Yearning (PAST| Present| Future)

How is it that I yearn... the sound of rain, of thunder... getting my feet wet seeing the ocean feeling the salt on my lips hearing my language and the smell of HOME! I am not feeling blue...not feeling depressed but there some things I just miss, yearn to feel or hear. I need to feel familiar, familiar to me and to those I haven't seen in a while. I don't know if you've ever felt like time just doesn't go by... at least not fast enough, at least not like we would want it. As time passes by in my little cubicle I call my office I feel the anticipation building up...I feel at peace with the decisions I am making in my life although I know not all people would agree with me which is why I have kept it under tight lip. Well my friend who was pregnant had a miscarriage, I mourned in silence as one would usually do when such things happen. I feel sad but I know time will only make it up to her. I hate when people say "it's not her time" or "it wasn't meant to happen" to me that sounds cold and aloof...feelings I don't like to harbor within me. I know what it's like not having something, yearning, and mourning... Apparently, my writing has been a sort of a séance...waking the dead I had not heard from in some time...you know "despertando fantasmas de mi pasado". That is a posting within itself. Someone (you know WHO YOU ARE) ;) decided it would be nice to google my name and came across my blog and found the way to email me....se me pararon los pelos when I read that fucking email. It revived way too many feeling and memories of my relationship with him...it was that same guy (and ex-boyfriend) I had spoken about in this entry about racism. It happened to be that I had written that post and he happened to come across it...I always knew there was a weird connection between us, this encounter just confirmed it. I am tempted to post about my past relationships because, although they are just that, PAST, they still hold alot of feeling of love, loss, and grief. Lessons learned in life....maybe I'll call it that. I can't say I've had ALOT of real relationships...I've had my share...some more important than others that's for sure, but there are at least 4 (including my husband) that I can say truly SHOOK me up and formed part of what I am today. I know it would be interesting for me to revisit the aspects of love, loss, and grief in each of these but I don't know if I would have the guts. Not because someone would come across this, like it has happened before, but because I am not sure I am ready for going into such deep waters...too much pain sometimes. Bueno, I will call it a post for today, and Ashar Edith I will soon post about what brought me to Las Vegas, NV as soon as I can clear some things here at work.